Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
