just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
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