I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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