my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
