I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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