If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
