My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
