just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
