not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
