I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
