If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
