All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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