it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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