I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
