Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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