Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
