the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
