she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!