I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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