How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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