Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
