two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
