I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
