if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
