Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Randomize
