moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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