And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
