Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
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