Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
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