she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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