Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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