saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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