Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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