I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
this just has baby written all over it
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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