just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Randomize
