Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
