she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
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he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
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The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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