I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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