i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
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He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
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Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
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