I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Randomize
