Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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