I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
