Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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