I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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