It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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