i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
he fucked my hip out of place.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
