I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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