Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
