I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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