You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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