Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
