So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
It's rum buckets o'clock
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
