i barfeds in our rink
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
