party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
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