in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
