You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
