So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
