Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
